| Narrative Interlude NARRATOR: And so, Mace and Lobot and Sir Boba set out on
their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty- four. Beyond the forest, they met Bib Fortuna and Jar
Jar Binks, and there was much rejoicing. KNIGHTS: Yay! Yay! [woosh] NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Hoth, they were forced to
eat Boba's Minstrel. SY SNOOTLES: [high-pitched]
Get back! Eee! NARRATOR: And there was much rejoicing. KNIGHTS: Yay! NARRATOR: A year passed. CARTOON
CHARACTER: [shivering] NARRATOR: Winter changed into Spring. CARTOON
CHARACTER: Mmm, nice. NARRATOR: Spring changed into Summer. CARTOON
CHARACTER: Oh.
Ahh. NARRATOR: Summer changed back into Winter,... CARTOON
CHARACTER: Oh? NARRATOR: ...and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and
went straight on into Autumn. CARTOON
CHARACTER: Aah. [snap] Oh!
Waa! NARRATOR: Until one day... Scene 20 [Mace Windu music] [clop clop clop] [music stops] [boom] KNIGHTS: Eh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh. MACE: Knights! Forward! [boom boom boom boom boom] [squeak] [boom boom boom boom] What manner of man are you that can
summon up fire without flint or tinder? 4-LOM THE
ENCHANTER: I... am an enchanter. MACE: By what name are you known? TIM: There are some who call me...`Lom? MACE: Greetings, 4-Lom the Enchanter. TIM: Greetings, Mace Windu! MACE: You know my name? 4-LOM: I do. [zoosh] You seek the Holy Holocron! MACE: That is our quest.
You know much that is hidden, O Tim. 4-LOM: Quite. [pweeng boom] [clap clap clap] BOBA: Oh. MACE: Yes, we're-- we're looking for the Holy Holocron. Our quest is to find the Holy Holocron. KNIGHTS: Yeah. Yes. It is. It
is. Yeah.
Yup. Yup. Hm. Mm. MACE: And so, we're-- we're-- we're looking for it. LOBOT: Yes, we are. JAR JAR BINKS: Yeah. BOBA: We are. We
are. LOBOT: We have been for some time. BOBA: Ages. LOBOT: Umhm. MACE: Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to,
uh-- to help... would be... very... helpful. JAR JAR BINKS: Look, can you tell us where-- [boom] MACE: Fine. Um,
I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell
us where we might find a, um-- find a, uh-- a, um-- a, uh-- 4-LOM: A what...? MACE: A h-- a-- a h-- a h-- a-- a h-- 4-LOM: A Holocron?! MACE: Yes. I
think so. BOBA: Y-- y-- yes. MACE: Yes. JAR JAR BINKS: Yup. KNIGHTS: That's it... 4-LOM: Yes! BOBA: Oh. MACE: Oh. Thank
you. BOBA: Ahh. JAR JAR BINKS: Oh. Fine. MACE: Thank you. BOBA: Splendid. KNIGHTS: Aah... [boom pweeng boom boom] MACE: Look, um, you're a busy man, uh-- 4-LOM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Holocron. KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you.
Oh... 4-LOM: To the north there lies a cave-- the cave of
Bibble-- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of
Jango Fett of Mandalore... [boom] ...make plain the last resting place
of the most Holy Holocron. MACE: Where could we find this cave, O 4-LOM? 4-LOM: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the
entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has
fought with it and lived! Bones of full
fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So,
brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death
awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. MACE: What an eccentric performance. Scene 21 [clop clop clop] [whinny whinny] JAR JAR BINKS: They're nervous, sire. MACE: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on
foot. Dis-mount! 4-LOM: Behold the cave of Bibble! MACE: Right! Keep
me covered. JAR JAR BINKS: What with? MACE: W-- just keep me covered. 4-LOM: Too late! [dramatic chord] MACE: What? 4-LOM: There he is! MACE: Where? 4-LOM: There! MACE: What, behind the rabbit? 4-LOM: It is the rabbit. MACE: You silly sod! 4-LOM: What? MACE: You got us all worked up! 4-LOM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit! MACE: Ohh. 4-LOM: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered
rodent you ever set eyes on! BOBA: You tit! I
soiled my armour I was so scared! 4-LOM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile
wide! It's a killer! JAR JAR BINKS: Get stuffed! 4-LOM: He'll do you up a treat, mate. JAR JAR BINKS: Oh, yeah? BOBA: You mangy bounty hunting git! 4-LOM: I'm warning you! BOBA: What's he do, nibble your bum? 4-LOM: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about--
look at the bones! MACE: Go on, Ki-Adi Mundi. Chop his head off! KI-ADI MUNDI: Right! Silly
little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right
up! TIM: Look! [squeak] KI-ADI MUNDI: Aaaugh! [dramatic chord] [clunk] MACE: Mon Mothma! 4-LOM: I warned you! BOBA: I done it again! 4-LOM: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them-- MACE: Oh, shut up! 4-LOM: Do they listen to me? MACE: Right! 4-LOM: Oh, no... KNIGHTS: Charge! [squeak squeak squeak] KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc. MACE: Run away! Run
away! KNIGHTS: Run away! Run
away!... 4-LOM: Ha ha ha ha!
Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha! MACE: Right. How
many did we lose? BIB FORTUNA: Nicto. JAR JAR BINKS: Barada. MACE: And Ki-Adi Mundi.
That's five. JAR JAR BINKS: Three, sir. MACE: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite. BOBA: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more? MACE: Oh, shut up and go and change your armour. JAR JAR BINKS: Let us taunt it!
It may become so cross that it will make a mistake. MACE: Like what? JAR JAR BINKS: Well... ooh. BIB FORTUNA: Have we got bows? MACE: No. BIB FORTUNA: We have the Thermal Detonator. MACE: Yes, of course!
The Thermal Detonator of Doom! 'Tis
one of the sacred relics Uncle Owen carries with him!
Uncle Owen! Bring up the Thermal Detonator! PADAWANS: [chanting] Pie
Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu
domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine,
dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. MACE: How does it, um-- how does it work? BIB FORTUNA: I know not, my liege. MACE: Consult the Book of Armaments! UNCLE OWEN: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one. SECOND BROTHER: And Saint Tyrannus raised the Thermal Detonator up
on high, saying, 'O master, bless this Thy Thermal Detonator that, with it, Thou mayest
blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And
the Master did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and
anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu-- MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother. SECOND BROTHER: And the Master spake, saying, 'First shalt thou
take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count
to three. No more. No less. Three
shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou
two, excepting that thou then proceed to
three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be
reached, then, lobbest thou thy Thermal Detonator of Doom towards thy foe, who, being
naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.' MAYNARD: Amen. KNIGHTS: Amen. MACE: Right! One!... Two!... Five! JAR JAR BINKS: Three, sir! MACE: Three! [angels sing] [boom] Scene 22 MACE: There! Look! BIB FORTUNA: What does it say? JAR JAR BINKS: What language is that? MACE: Uncle Owen! You
are a scholar. MAYNARD: It's Aurek-besh! JAR JAR BINKS: Of course! Kitster
of Aurek! BIB FORTUNA: 'Course! MACE: What does it say? MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of
Kitster of Aurek. He who is valiant and pure
of spirit may find the Holy Holocron in the Fortress of aaaaaagggh'. MACE: What? MAYNARD: '...The Fortress of aaaaaagggh'. LOBOT: What is that? MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it. BIB FORTUNA: Oh, come on! MAYNARD: Well, that's what it says. MACE: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve
'aaaaaggh'. He'd just say it! MAYNARD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock! JAR JAR BINKS: Perhaps he was dictating. MACE: Oh, shut up.
Well, does it say anything else? MAYNARD: No. Just
'aaaaaagggh'. BIB FORTUNA: Aaaauugggh. MACE: Aaaaaggh. LOBOT: Do you suppose he meant the Camaaaaaargue? JAR JAR BINKS: Where's that? LOBOT: Sullust, I think. BIB FORTUNA: Isn't there a 'Saint Aaauuves' on Corellia? MACE: No, that's 'Saint Ives'. BIB FORTUNA: Oh, yes. Saint
Iiiiives. KNIGHTS: Iiiiives. LOBOT: Oooohoohohooo! BIB FORTUNA: No, no. 'Aaaauugggh',
at the back of the throat. Aaauugh. LOBOT: N-- no. No,
no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and
alarm. BIB FORTUNA: Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'! LOBOT: Yes, but I-- aaaaaah! MACE: Oooh! JAR JAR BINKS: My Master! [dramatic chord] [roar] MAYNARD: It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaauugh! [Black Beast of Aaauugh eats UNCLE
OWEN] LOBOT: That's it! That's
it! MACE: Run away! KNIGHTS: Run away! [roar] Run away! Run awaaay! Run
awaaaaay! [roar] Keep running! [boom] [roar] Shh!
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!... LOBOT: We've lost him. [roar] KNIGHTS: Aagh! NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward,
escape for Mace and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the ILM animator suffered
a fatal heart attack. ILM ANIMATOR: Ulk! [thump] NARRATOR: The Cartoon peril was no more. The quest for Holy Holocron could continue. Scene 23 [gurgle] JAR JAR BINKS: There it is! MACE: The Bridge of Death! BOBA: Oh, great. MACE: Look! There's
the old man from scene twenty-four! LOBOT: What is he doing here? MACE: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions-- JAR JAR BINKS: Three questions. MACE: Three questions.
He who answers the five questions-- JAR JAR BINKS: Three questions. MACE: Three questions may cross in safety. BOBA: What if you get a question wrong? MACE: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. BOBA: Oh, I won't go. JAR JAR BINKS: Who's going to answer the questions? MACE: Sir Boba! BOBA: Yes? MACE: Brave Sir Boba, you go. BOBA: Hey! I've
got a great idea. Why doesn't Bib Fortuna go? BIB FORTUNA: Yes. Let
me go, my liege. I will take him
single-handed. I shall make a feint to the
north-east that s-- MACE: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang
on! Hang on!
Just answer the five questions-- JAR JAR BINKS: Three questions. MACE: Three questions as best you can, and we shall
watch... and pray. BIB FORTUNA: I understand, my liege. MACE: Good luck, brave Sir Bib Fortuna. May the Force be with you. BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who
would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side
he see. BIB FORTUNA: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your name? BIB FORTUNA: My name is 'Sir Bib Fortuna of Coruscant'. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest? BIB FORTUNA: To seek the Holy Holocron. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your favourite colour? BIB FORTUNA: Blue. BRIDGEKEEPER: Right. Off
you go. BIB FORTUNA: Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much. BOBA: That's easy! BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who
approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side
he see. BOBA: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your name? BOBA: 'Sir Boba of Coruscant'. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest? BOBA: To seek the Holy Holocron. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is the capital of the Setnin Sector? [pause] BOBA: I don't know that!
Auuuuuuuugh! BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! What...
is your name? JAR JAR BINKS: 'Sir Jar Jar Binks of Coruscant'. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest? JAR JAR BINKS: I seek the Holocron. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your favourite colour? JAR JAR BINKS: Orange. No,
yel-- auuuuuuuugh! BRIDGEKEEPER: Hee hee heh.
Stop! What... is your name? MACE: It is 'Mace', Jedi Knight of the Republic. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest? MACE: To seek the Holy Holocron. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen
Peko Peko? MACE: What do you mean?
An Alderaanian or Naboo Peko Peko? BRIDGEKEEPER: Huh? I--
I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh! LOBOT: How do know so much about Peko Pekos? MACE: Well, you have to know these things when you're a
Jedi Knight, you know. [suspenseful music] [music suddenly stops] [intermission] [suspenseful music resumes] Scene 24 MACE: Bib Fortuna!
Bib Fortuna! Bib Fortuna! LOBOT: Bib Fortuna!
Bib Fortuna! MACE: Bib Fortuna! [police radio] Bib Fortuna! LOBOT: Bib Fortuna!
Bib Fortuna! [angels sing] [singing stops] [ethereal music] MACE: The Fortress Aaaagh. Our quest is at an end! Force be praised!
Almighty Obi Wan Kenobi, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most
holy-- [twong] [baaaa] Mon Mothma! [thud] BESPIN GUARD: Allo, dappy Republic k-niggets and Monsieur Mace
Jedi Knight, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So,
we Bespin fellows outwit you a second time! MACE: How dare you profane this place with your
presence! I command you, in the name of the
Knights of Coruscant, to open the doors of this sacred fortress, to which Obi Wan Kenobi
Himself has guided us! BESPIN GUARD: How you Republic say, 'I one more time, mac,
unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us Bespin folk
with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you
cheesy lot of second hand electric Bantha-bottom biters. MACE: In the name of the Master, we demand entrance to
this sacred fortress! BESPIN GUARD: No chance, Republic bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your
door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms! MACE: If you do not open this door, we shall take this
fortress by force! [splat] In the name of the Force and the glory
of our-- [splat] BESPIN GUARDS: [laughing] MACE: Agh. Right! That settles it! BESPIN GUARD: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the
approaching any more, or we fire blasters at the tops of your heads and make castanets out
of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha! MACE: Walk away. Just
ignore them. BESPIN GUARD: And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced
bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a
nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy Republic k-nnniggets! Thpppt! BESPIN GUARDS: [taunting] MACE: We shall attack at once! LOBOT: Yes, my liege! MACE: Stand by for attack! [exciting music] [music stops] [silence] Bespin persons! BESPIN GUARDS: [taunting] ...Dappy!... MACE: Today the blood of many a valiant Jedi Knight
shall be avenged. In the name of Obi Wan
Kenobi,... BESPIN GUARDS: Hoo hoo! Ohh,
ha ha ha ha ha!... MACE: ...we shall not stop our fight till each one of
you lies dead and the Holy Holocron returns to those whom Obi Wan has chosen! BESPIN GUARDS: ...Ha ha ha!... MACE: Charge! ARMY OF
KNIGHTS: Hooray! [police siren] HISTORIAN'S
WIFE: Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure. GENERAL VEERS: Come on. Anybody
armed must go, too. OFFICER #1: All right. Come
on. Back. HISTORIAN'S
WIFE: Get that one. OFFICER #1: Back. Right
away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come
along. GENERAL VEERS: Put this man in the speeder. OFFICER #1: Clear off. Come
on. LOBOT: With whom? GENERAL VEERS: Which one? OFFICER #1: Oh-- this one. GENERAL VEERS: Come on. Put
him in the speeder. OFFICER #2: Get a blanket. OFFICER #1: We have no hospital. RANDOM: Ahh. [squeak] RANDOM: Ooh. OFFICER #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back.
Come on! OFFICER #2: Run along! Run
along! OFFICER #1: Pull that off.
My, that's an offensive weapon, that is. OFFICER #2: Come on. Back
with 'em. Back. Right. Come
along. GENERAL VEERS: Everything? [squeak] OFFICER #1: All right, sonny.
That's enough. Just pack that in. [crash] CAMERAMAN: Mothma! |