PADME
COMES RUNNING IN Padme:
They've arrested Anakin! All:
What? What? Padme:
They dragged him off! They're gonna stake him! Wedge:
Right! This calls for immediate discussion! Padme:
What? Sibling:
Immediate! Sibling
II: Right! Leia:
New motion? Wedge:
Completely new motion! Uh, that, uh, that there be, uh, immediate action... Francis:
...uh, once the vote has been taken. Wedge:
Well, obviously once the vote has been taken resolution the resolution! Padme:
Wedge, let's go now, please! Wedge:
Right, right! In the - in the light of fresh information from sibling Padme... Leia:
Ehm...not so fast, Wedge. Padme:
Wedge, for Goodness sake! It's perfectly simple! All you've gotta do is to go out of that
door now and try to stop the Imperials sticking a stake up his arse! Its happening, Wedge!
Something's actually happening, Wedge! Can't you understand? Oooh! FRUSTRATED,
PADME RUNS OUT Wedge:
Yeah, hello. Another little ego trip from the feminists... Leia:
What? Francis:
[Whistle] Wedge:
Oh, sorry, Leia. Uh, read that back, would, you? CUT
TO: DETENTION
CENTRE EXIT. A LONG LINE OF PRISONERS ARE BEING CHECKED OFF BY AN OFFICER SUPERVISING THE
STAKINGS Staking
Supervisor: Next! Staking? Prisoner
I: Yes. Staking
Supervisor: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one stake each. Next! Staking? Prisoner
II: Yes. Staking
Supervisor: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one stake each. Next! Staking? Wiseguy:
Uh, no, freedom. Jailer
I: Uhm? Staking
Supervisor: What? Wiseguy:
Uh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything. so I could go free and live on a
moon somewhere. Staking
Supervisor: Oh, oh, that's jolly good: Well, off you go, then. Wiseguy:
No, I'm only pulling your leg. It's Staking really. Staking
Supervisor: Oh, oh, I see, very good, very good. Well, out of the door... Wiseguy:
Yeah, I know the way, out of the door, one stake each, line on the left. Staking
Supervisor: ...line on the left, yes, thank you. Staking? Prisoner
IV: Yes. Staking
Supervisor: Good. CUT
TO: THE
STREETS OF MOS ESPA. A HUGE CROWD HAS GATHERED TO HEAR PALPATINE'S ADDRESS Emperor
Palpatine: People of Tatoowine! Cowuscant is your fwiend! THE
CROWD BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER Emperor
Palpatine: To pwove our fwiendship it is customawy at this time to welease a wongdoer from
our pwisons. THE
CROWD ROARS WITH LAUGHTER Emperor
Palpatine: Whom would you have me welease? Man
in crowd: Release a Wodian! Tatooine
Crowd: Yeah! Release a Wodian! Release a Wodian! [Laughter] Emperor
Palpatine: Vewy well, I shall welease a Wodian! Tatooine
Crowd: Yeah! Vader:
Sir, uh, we don't have a Rodian, sir. Emperor
Palpatine: What? Vader:
Uh, we don't have anyone of that species, sir. Emperor
Palpatine: Ah. We have no Wodian! Crowd:
Aah... Man:
But what about Wee-Yees, then? Tatooine
Crowd: Yeah! Release Wee-Yees! Release Wee-Yees! [Laughter] Emperor
Palpatine: Vader, why do they...titter so? Vader:
Just some, ehm...Tatooine joke, sir. Emperor
Palpatine: Are they...wagging me? Vader:
Oh, no, sir! Guard:
[Giggle] Emperor
Palpatine: Vewy well, I shall welease a Wee-Yees! Tatooine
Crowd: [Laughter] Vader:
Sir, we don't have a Wee-Yees either. Emperor
Palpatine: No Wodian, no Wee-Yees? Vader:
Sorry, sir. Emperor
Palpatine: Who is this... who is this Wee-Yees to whom you wefer? Man:
He's a wobber! Tatooine
Crowd: [Laughter] Man
II: And a wapist! Tatooine
Crowd: [Laughter] Woman:
And a pickpocket! Emperor
Palpatine: He sounds a notowious cwiminal. Vader:
We haven't got one, sir. Emperor
Palpatine: Do we have anyone in our pwisons at all? Vader:
Oh, yes, sir! We've got a Samso, sir. Emperor
Palpatine: Samson? Vader:
Samso the Sand Sea Strangler, sir, uh, Silas the Sneaky Assassin, uh several subversive
scribes from Coruscant, Bigg
Deek: Let me thpeak to them, Emperor! Vader:
Oh, no! Emperor
Palpatine: Uh, good idea, Bigg! Bigg
Deek: Citizens! We have Thamtho the Thand Thea Thtrangler, Thilath the Thneaky Athathin,
theveral thubverthive thcribe from Coruthant... THE
CROWD RUPTS INTO LAUGHTER CUT
TO: DETENTION
CENTRE, STAKING LINE Staking
Supervisor: Next! Staking? Prisoner
V: Yes. Staking
Supervisor: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one stake each. Jailer! Anakin:
Excuse me, there seems to have been some sort of mistake... Staking
Supervisor: Just a moment, would you? Jailer! Ehm...how many have come through? Jailer
I: What? Staking
Supervisor: Ehm...how many have come through? Jailer
I: What? Jailer
II: Ehm...You will have to s-speak...s-sp-spea...s-s-s-s-s-p-p-p-p-speak-speak up a bit
sir, ehm...he's-he's-he's-he's- he's-he's-he's-d-d-d-he's
d-he's... Staking
Supervisor: Ah. Jailer
II: No, he's-he's-he's (SMACKS HIMSELF ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD) he's d-deaf and
dead. Deaf as a p-p-p-post, sir. Staking
Supervisor: Ah. Ehm...eh...How many have come through? Jailer
I: Hhh...hihihihihihihihihi... Staking
Supervisor: Oh dear. Jailer
I: Haheh... Jailer
II: I make it ninetyffff...ninetyffff...ninetyffff...ninety-six, sir. Staking
Supervisor: Oh. It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it? Jailer
I: Nnnnnnno, sir! N-no-not with these bo...bastards, sir! S-s-s-s-s-s-s-staking's too good
for 'em, sir. Staking
Supervisor: I don't think you could say it's too good for them, it's...it's very nasty! Jailer
I: Oh, it's not as nn...nnnn...nnn...no...no...noo...not as nasty as something I just
thought of, sir. Staking
Supervisor: Yes. Anakin:
Hm? Staking
Supervisor: Ehm...now...ehm...Staking, is it? Anakin:
Is there someone I could speak to? Staking
Supervisor: Well... Jailer
I: I know where to get it, if you want it. Staking
Supervisor: What?! Jailer
II: Ehm...d-don't don't worry about hi-him, sir. Heee's dee...he's dee... (SMACKS
HIMSELF ON THE HEAD) ...he's de...he's de...he's de-de-de......he's deaf and mmmmmmad,
sir. Jailer
I: Mhrmhrm. Staking
Supervisor: Well, how did he get the Numb? Jailer
II: B-bloody Palpatine's pet, sir! Jailer
I: Huhurhm... Wiseguy:
Get a move on, big nose! There's people waiting to be staked out here! Hahahahahahaha! Anakin:
Can I get a lawyer or someone? Staking
Supervisor: Ehm...d-do you have a lawyer? Anakin:
No, but I'm an Imperial. Wiseguy:
How about a re-trial? We've got plenty of time. Guard:
Shut up, you! Wiseguy:
Miserable bloody Imperials! No sense of humour. Ouch! Staking
Supervisor: I'm sorry, bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out, line on the left, one
stake each. Now... CUT
TO: MOS
ESPA CROWD. THEY ARE ALL LYING ON THEIR BACKS HOLDING THEIR STOMACHS WITH LAUGHTER Bigg
Deek: Wath it thomething I thaid? Emperor
Palpatine: Silence! This man commands a cwack army! Tatooine
Crowd: Quack! [Laughter] Emperor
Palpatine: He wags half of Cowuscant! Tatooine
Crowd: [Laughter] CUT
TO: OUTSIDE
DETENTION CENTRE, IN THE STREET. THE LINE OF PRISONERS ALL STAND WITH METAL STAKES OVER
THEIR SHOULDERS Staking
Supervisor: Staking party! Morning. Now, we will be on show as we go through the town, so
let's not let the side down! Keep in a good straight line, three lengths between you and
the man in front, and a good steady pace. Stakes
over your left shoulders, and if you keep your backs hard up against the beam... Prisoner
IV: Oouuh... Staking
Supervisor: ...you'll be there in no time. Heh... All right, officer! Officer:
Staking party! Wait for it...Staking party! By the left! Forward! Staking
Party: [Moan] [Groan] THE
PARTY PASSES A WINDOW OF A CELL. THE UPSIDE-PRISONER STARES OUT AT THEM Prisoner,
hanging up-side-down in a cell: You lucky bastards! You lucky bastards! Prisoner
IV: [Groan] [Moan] A
PRISONER THREATENS TO TOPPLE AND A KIND HEARTED BYSTANDER STEPS OUT TO HELP Bystander:
Let me shoulder your burden, brother! Prisoner
IV: Oh. Thank you. THE
PRISONER HANDS HIM THE STAKE AND RUNS OFF Bystander:
Uh...ah...hey! Hey! Officer:
Hey! What do you think you're doing? Bystander:
Ehm...it's...it's not my stake... Officer:
Shut up and get on with it! Come on! Wiseguy:
Hahahahahahahahahaha! He had you there mate, did he? That would teach you a lesson!
Hohohohoho! CUT
TO: MOS
ESPA CROWD, WHO ARE STILL LAUGHING Emperor
Palpatine: All wight! I will give you one more chance! This time I want to hear no Wuben,
no Wegdies, no Wudolf the Wed-nosed Space Weindeers... Bigg
Deek: No Thio Bibble! Emperor
Palpatine: ...or we shall welease no one! Padme:
Release Anakin the Imperial! Man
in Tatooine crowd: Oh, yeah, that's a good one! Another
man in Tatooine Crowd: Yeah. Tatooine
Crowd: Welease the Impewial! Welease Anakin the Impewial! [Laughter] Emperor
Palpatine: Vewy well! That's it! Vader:
Sir, we...we have got an Anakin, sir. Emperor
Palpatine: What? Vader:
Ehm...you just sent him for Staking, sir! Emperor
Palpatine: Eh...ehm...wait! Wait! We do have an Anakin. Well, go away and fwee him,
stwaight away! Vader:
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Emperor
Palpatine: Vewy well. I shall welease Anakin! CUT
TO: THE
STAKING PARTY APPROACHING THE HILL Fat
Imperial: Get a move on, there! Wiseguy:
Or what? Fat
Imperial: Or you'll be in trouble! Wiseguy:
Oh, dear. You mean I won't have to give up being staked in the afternoons? Fat
Imperial: Shut up! Wiseguy:
That would be a blow, wouldn't it? I wouldn't have nothing to do! Fat
Imperial's hand against Wiseguy's shoulder: [Bladonk] Wiseguy:
Oh, thank you! CUT
TO: DETENTION
CENTER. VADER RUNS IN Vader:
Are they gone? Jailer
I: We...we've got lumps of it 'round the ba...ck. Vader:
What? Jailer
II: Oh, don't worry about him sir, he's ma...he's mm...he's ma...he-he-he's mm...mm...he's
mm...he's mm... He's mad, sir. Vader:
Have they gone?! Jailer
II: Oh, yeah...nnnn...ehm...nn...nna...nnaa... Jailer
I: Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh... Jailer
II: ...nnaa...nnnnaa...nnna...nnna...nna...nna...nnna...nnnn...nnn...nnnn... Vader:
Oh, come on! Jailer
II: Nnnnn...yes, sir. Jailer
I: Huhuh...huhuh... Jailer
II: Anyway, get on with the story. Jailer
I: Well, I never really liked the new XP-38 so I just bought a skyhopper, and I just... CUT
TO: PFT
HEADQUARTERS Wedge:
Right! That's the motion to get on with it passed. And I propose that we go without
further ado. May I have a second there for...? Biggs:
Yes, let's go. Wedge:
Yeah. All right. CUT
TO: VADER
RUNNING THROUGH STREETS Vader:
Out of the way! HE
PUSHES A MAN OUT OF THE WAY Man:
Ouch! Bloody Imperials! Vader:
Watch it! Still a few stakes left! CUT
TO: STAKING
HILL. THE PRISONERS ARE HAVING THEIR ARMS TIED TO THE STAKES AND ARE BEING HOISTED UP INTO
THE AIR Fat
Imperial: Up you go, Toydarian! Toydarian:
Oh, I'll get you for this, you bastard! Fat
Imperial: Oh, yeah! Toydarian:
Oh yeah, don't worry. I never forget a face. Fat
Imperial: No! Toydarian:
I warn you. I'm gonna punch you so hard, you Imperial git! Fat
Imperial: Shut up, you Tatooinian turd! Toydarian:
Who are you calling Tatooinian? I'm not Tatooinian, I'm a Toydarian! Bearded
Man: A Toydarian? This is supposed to be a Tatooine section! Fat
Imperial: It doesn't matter! You're all gonna die in a day or two! Bearded
Man: It may not matter to you, Imperial, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it,
darling? Bearded
Man's Wife: Oh, rather! Bearded
Man: Under the terms of the Imperial occupancy we're entitled to be staked in a purely
Tatooine area. Staked
man I: Corellians separate from Calamari! Staked
man II: And Naboo separate from Yavin! Staking
Party: Yeah, right, yeah! Fat
Imperial: All right, all right, all right, we'll soon settle this! 'Ands up, all those who
don't want to be staked here! WITH
THEIR HANDS TIED TO THE STAKES, NO-ONE CAN Fat
Imperial: Right! Next! Bystander:
Ah, look, it's not my stake. Fat
Imperial: What? Bystander:
Ah, it's not my stake, I was ehm...holding it for someone. Fat
Imperial: Just lie down, I haven't got all day! Bystander:
No, of course, ehm, look, I hate to make fuss, but... Fat
Imperial: Look... Bystander:
Eh... Fat
Imperial: We've had a busy day, and there's a hundred and forty of you lot to get UP... Bearded
Man: Is he Tatooinian? Fat
Imperial: Will you be quiet! Bearded
Man: We don't want any more outworlders around here. Fat
Imperial: Belt up! Bystander:
Ehm...would you let me down if he comes back? Fat
Imperial: Yeah, yeah, we'll let you down. Next! Anakin:
You don't have to do this! You don't have to take orders! Fat
Imperial: I like orders! ANAKIN
IS TIED TO A STAKE AND HOISTED UP Wiseguy:
See? Not so bad once it's up. You're being rescued then, are you? Anakin:
It's a bit...late for that now, isn't it? Wiseguy:
Oh, no, no, we've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots of people get
rescued. Anakin:
Oh? Wiseguy:
Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me. If he can keep off the tail for more than twenty
minutes. Huh. Anakin:
Aah? Wiseguy:
Randy little bugger. Up and down like the Old Republic. Huhuhuhuhuh. THE
PFT APPROACHES ANAKIN'S STAKE Hello.
Your family arrived then? Anakin:
Wedge! Wedge:
Hello, sibling Anakin. Anakin:
Thank goodness you've come, Wedge. Wedge:
Ehm...yes. Well, I think I should point out first Anakin in all fairness that we are not
in fact the rescue committee, however I have been asked to read out the following prepared
statement on behalf of the movement. We the People's Front of Tatooine, brackets,
Officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere to you, Anakin on this, the occasion
of your martyrdom..." Anakin:
What? Wedge:
"...your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the
parent land from the hands of the Imperial aggressors. Excluding those concerned with
drainage, medicine, roads, house and education, spaceports, and any other Imperials
contributing to the welfare of the galaxy, of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed on
behalf of the PFT. And I'd just like to add on a personal note, my own admiration for what
you're doing for us, Anakin, and what must be after all for you a very difficult time. Anakin:
Wedge! Wh...what are you going to do? Wedge:
Good-bye Anakin, and thanks. Biggs:
All right, Anakin. Keep it up, lad. Leia:
Terrific work, Anakin. Wedge:
Yeah. Right. People's
Front of Tatooine Committee: For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us. Leia:
And so say all of... THE
PFT APPLAUDS Anakin:
You bastards! You bastards! You vacuous malodorous bastards! VADER
RUNS UP. ANAKIN IS SO BUSY SWEARING AT THE PFT HE DOESN'T SEE HIM Vader:
Where is Anakin the Imperial? I have an order for his release. Anakin:
(TO THE PFT) You stupid bastards! Wiseguy:
Ehm...I'm Anakin. Anakin:
What? Wiseguy:
Yeah, I'm Anakin. Vader:
Take him down! Anakin:
I'm Anakin! Staked
man I: I'm Anakin! Toydarian:
I'm Anakin! Staked
man II: Look, look, I'm Anakin! Anakin:
I'm Anakin! Staked
man III: I'm Anakin and so’s my clone! Staking
party: I'm Anakin! Vader:
Right! Take him away and release him! Wiseguy:
No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Anakin. No, I'm not Anakin! I was only... believe me,
it was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him, I'm just having you
on! Put me back! Bloody Imperials, can't take a joke. SUDDENLY,
ON A HILL, A GROUP OF ARMED SOLDIERS APPEAR. THE IMPERIALS LOOK ON IN TERROR Staking
Assistant I: The Tatooine People's Front! Fat
Imperial: The Tatooine People's Front! Tatooine
People's Front: Forward, all! THE
SOLDIERS CHARGE Staking
Assistant II: Look out! The Tatooine People's Front! Staking
Assistant III: The Tatooine People's Front! Staking
Assistant IV: The Tatooine People's Front! THE
IMPERIALS RUN FOR IT Tatooine
People's Front: We are the Tatooine People's Front, crack suicide squad. Suicide squad!
Attack! THE
TPF ALL SHOOT THEMSELVES Tatooine
People's Front leader: That showed them, huh? Anakin:
You silly sods! PADME
RUNS UP TO ANAKIN'S STAKE Padme:
Anakin! Anakin! Anakin! Anakin! Anakin:
Padme! Padme:
Terrific! Great! Wedge has explained it all to me, and I think it's great what you're
doing. Thank you, Anakin, I'll...I'll never forget you. ANAKIN'S
MOTHER APPROACHES AS PADME WALKS AWAY Mother:
So, there you are! I might have known it would end up like this. Just think of all the
love and affection I've wasted on you! Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother,
in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is: "Go ahead! Be staked! See if I
care!". I might have known... Anakin:
But mum! Mother:
Not fine thee...said...said... Anakin:
Mum! Mum! Mother:
...like all young people nowadays, I don't know what the galaxy is coming to... ANAKINS
MOTHER STORMS OFF Staked
Man III: Cheer up, Anakin! You know what they say? Staked
Man III: Some
things in life are bad they
can really make you mad, other
things just make you swear and curse. When
you're chewing on life's gristle, don't
grumble, give a whistle! And
this'll help things turn out for the best: And...always
look on the bright side of life, Staked
Man III: [Whistle] Staked
Man III: Always
look on the light side of life, Staked
Man III: [Whistle] Staked
Man III: If
life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten, and
that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing, when
you're feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumps, just
perch your lips and whistle, that's the key. And
always look on the bright side of life, Staking
Party: [Whistle] Staked
Man III: Come on! Staked
Man III: always
look on the bright side of life, Staking
Party: [Whistle] Staked
Man III & Staked Man IV: For
life is quite absurd, and death's the final word, you
must always face the curtain with a bow, forget
about your sin, give the audience a grin, Staked
Man III & Staking Party: enjoy,
it's your last chance anyhow. So,
always look on the bright side of death. Staking
Party: [Whistle] Staked
Man III & Staking Party: Ah,
just before you draw your terminal breath, Staking
Party: [Whistle] Staked
Man III: Life's
a piece of shit, when you look at it, life's
a laugh, and death's a joke, it's true. You'll
see it's all a show, people laughing as you go, just
remember that the last laugh is on you! Staked
Man III & Staking Party: And
always look on the bright side of life, Staking
Party: [Whistle] Staked
Man III & Staking Party: Always
look on the right side of life, Staking
Party: [Whistle] Staked
Man III: Come on, Anakin! Cheer up! Staked
Man III & Staking Party: Always
look on the bright side of life, Staking
Party: [Whistle] Staked
Man III & Staking Party: always
look on the right side of life, Staking
Party: [Whistle] Staked
Man III: Worse things happens to see, you know. Staked
Man III & Staking Party: always
look on the right side of life, Staking
Party: [Whistle] Staked
Man III: I mean, what have you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing, you're going
back to nothing, what have you lost? Nothing! Staked
Man III & Staking Party: always
look on the right side of life, Staking
Party: [Whistle] Staked
Man III: Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say? Staked
Man III & Staking Party: always
look on the right side of life, Staking
Party: [Whistle] Staked
Man III: Cheer up, you old bugger! Come on! Give us a grin! There you are! See? The end of
the film. Incidentally, this record is available in the foyer. Staked
Man III & Staking Party: always
look on the right side of life, Staking
Party: [Whistle] Staked
Man III: The writer's got to live as well, you know? Who do you think pays for all this
rubbish? Staked
Man III & Staking Party: always
look on the right side of life, Staking
Party: [Whistle] Staked
Man III: They're not gonna make their money back, you know. I told them. I said to them.
Bernie, I said they'll never make their money back. Staked
Man III & Staking Party: Always
look on the Bright Side of Life... Staking
Party: [Whistle] LIFE
OF ANAKIN was
originally written by GRAHAM
CHAPMAN JOHN
CLEESE TERRY
GILLIAM ERIC
IDLE TERRY
JONES MICHAEL
PALIN And
changed slightly to suit Star Wars by JONATHAN
HICKS c2000
Monty Python/Newbold Hicks Productions |