Monty Python/Newbold Hicks Productions

Life of Anakin

 

TATOOINE. IN A SMALL SPEEDER PEN IN THE TOWN OF MOS ESPA, A SIMPLE SLAVE WOMAN HAS JUST GIVEN BIRTH TO A BABY. AS SHE SLEEP ON A STOOL, THREE ROBED FIGURES SNEAK INTO THE BUILDING...

 

Anakin: Uhuhlk!

Jedi 1: Excuse me.

 

MOTHER FALLS OFF STOOL

 

Mother: Uhooh! Who are you?

Jedi 1: We are three Jedi Masters.

Mother: What?

Jedi 2: We are three Jedi Masters. We are wise in the ways of the Force.

Mother: Well, what are you doing creeping into a speeder garage at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.

Jedi 3: We are the defenders of the Old Republic.

Jedi 2: We have come from Coruscant.

Mother: Is this some kind of joke?

Jedi 1: We wish to scan the infant for midichlorians.

Jedi 2: We must scan him.

Mother: Scan? You're all drunk! It's disgusting! Out! Come on, out!

 

MOTHER STARTS TO USHER THE JEDIS TO THE DOOR

 

Jedi 1: No...

Mother: Barge in here with tales about the Jedi Order. Come on, out!

Jedi 1: No, no, we must see him!

Mother: Go and scan someone else's brat! Go on!

Jedi 2: We...we were led by a prophecy!

Mother: Led by a bottle more like! Go on, out!

Jedi 2: Well, well, we must see him, we have brought presents!

Mother: Out!

Jedi 1: Crystal, Spice and poodoo!

Mother: Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. Sorry the place is a...bit of a mess. Well, what is poodoo anyway?

Jedi 3: It is a valuable balm.

Mother: A balm?! What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him!

Jedi 3: What?

Mother: That's a dangerous animal! Quick, throw it in the trough!

Jedi 2: No, it isn't!

Mother: Yes, it is! It's great big ugly...

Jedi 1: No, no, no, it is an ointment.

Mother: Oh, well, there is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it? So you're Jedi's, are you? Well, what is he then?

Jedi 1: Hm?

Mother: What species is he?

Jedi 1: Ehm... human.

Mother: Ah, human, eh? What are they like?

Jedi 1: Oh, well, he's the chosen one. He will bring balance to the Force.

Jedi 2: The most powerful of Jedis!

Mother: And that's human, is it?

Jedi 1: Ehm, no, no, no, that's just him!

Mother: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them. Snhff.

Jedi 2: By what name are you calling him?

Mother: Uhm, Anakin.

All three Jedi Masters: We scan you, oh Anakin, who are the prophecy made real. Praise unto you, Anakin, and to the Old Republic.

Mother: Do you do a lot of this, then?

Jedi 1: What?

Mother: This scanning.

Jedi 1: No, no...no, no.

Mother: Oh, well, ehm, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh. And thanks a lot for the Crystals and Spice, ahm, but don't worry too much about the poodoo the next time, all right? Huh. Thank you! Goodbye!

 

MOTHER SEES THE MEN OUT. THEY STAND OUTSIDE AND GRUMBLE. THEY CHECK THE SCAN RESULTS.

 

Jedi 1: Hold on... that's not the Chosen one!

 

MOTHER CHECKS OUT THE GIFTS

 

Mother: Well, weren't they nice? Hm! Out of their bloody minds, but still, look at that!

 

THE JEDI MASTERS COME BACK IN AND START TAKING BACK THE GIFTS

 

Mother: Hohoho... hey! Hey! Hey, that...that's mine! Hey! Hey, you could hate me, hey! Ourrgh!

Anakin: Aiihaih!

Mother: Shut up!

 

MOTHER SLAPS BABY

 

Anakin: Aih!

 

 

 

MONTY PYTHON and Newbold Hicks Productions

 

Present

 

Life of Anakin

 

WRITTEN BY

 

GRAHAM CHAPMAN

JOHN CLEESE

TERRY GILLIAM

ERIC IDLE

TERRY JONES

MICHAEL PALIN

 

Script Changes by Jonathan Hicks

 

TITLES

 

Female Singer:

Anakin, the babe they called Anakin,

he grew, he grew, and grew,

grew up to be, grew up to be,

a boy called Anakin. A boy called Anakin,

he had arms, and legs, and head, and feet,

the boy, whose name was Anakin.

 

And he grew, he grew, grew, and grew,

grew up to be, yes, he grew up to be,

yes, his name was Anakin, a teenager called Anakin.

And his face became spotty, yes, his face became spotty,

and his voice dropped down low,

and things started to grow, on young Anakin and so,

he was certainly no, no girl named Anakin,

not a girl named Anakin.

 

And he started to shave, and have one off the wrist,

and want to see girls, and go out and get pissed,

a man called Anakin, this man called Anakin,

the man they called Anakin, this man called Aaaannaakiinnnn......

 

 

 

CUT TO:

 

TATOOINE.

 

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

 

ABOUT TEA TIME

 

THE MOS ESPA ARENA GATHERS ABOUT A MAN WHO CLAIMS TO BE A JEDI PROPHET, WHO PREACHES TO THEM TRUTH OF THE GOLDEN AGE OF THE REPUBLIC. HE STANDS ON A SMALL HILLOCK WHILST EVERYONE ELSE STANDS ON THE PODRACETRACK

 

Jedi Prophet: How blessed are those who know that he's of the Republic. How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation. How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the galaxy for their possession. How blessed are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail; they shall be satisfied. How blessed are those hearts are pure; they shall see peace.

 

AT THE BACK OF THE CROWD IS ANAKIN AND HIS MOTHER

 

Mother: Speak up!

Anakin: Shh, quiet, mum!

Mother: Well, I can't hear a thing. Let's go to the blasting!

Toydarian: Shh!

Anakin: You can go to a blasting anytime!

Mother: Ah, come on, Anakin!

 

A TOYDARIAN HOVERS NEARBY WITH HIS FINGER UP HIS NOSE. HE TURNS TO ANAKIN AND HS MOTHER

 

Toydarian: Will you be quiet!

Toydarian's Wife: Don't pick your nose!

Toydarian: I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it.

Toydarian's Wife: You was picking it while you was talking to that lady!

Toydarian: I wasn't!

Toydarian's Wife: Leave it alone! Give it a rest!

Wiseguy: Do you mind, I can't hear a word he's saying.

Toydarian's Wife: Don't you "do you mind" me! I was talking to my husband!

Wiseguy: Well, can't you talk to him somewhere else? I can't hear a bloody thing!

Toydarian: Don't you swear at my wife!

Wiseguy: Well, I was only asking her to shut up so that I can hear what he's saying, big nose!

Toydarian's Wife: Don't you call my husband "big nose"!

Toydarian: Well, he has got a big nose.

Bearded Man: Could you be quiet, please? What was that?

Wiseguy: I don't know, I was too busy talking to big nose!

Spectator I: I think it was "Blessed are the fleece makers".

Bearded Man's Wife: Aha, what's so special about the fleece makers?

Bearded Man: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of fashionable clothing.

Wiseguy: See, if you hadn't been going on we'd have heard that, big nose.

Toydarian: Hey, say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in!

Wiseguy: Oh, better keep listening, might be a bit about "Blessed are the big noses".

Anakin: Oh, lay off him!

Wiseguy: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conk face. Where are you two from? Nose City?

Wiseguy: One more time, mate, I'll take you to fucking cleaners!

Toydarian's Wife: Language! And don't pick your nose!

Toydarian: I wasn't going to pick my nose! I'm gonna thump him!

Toydarian's Wife: You're not gonna thump anybody!

Toydarian: I'll thump him if he calls me "big nose" again!

Wiseguy: Oh, shut up, big nose!

Toydarian: Ha, right! I warned you! I really will slug you! Saaah...

Wiseguy: Listen, I'm only telling the truth, you have got a very big nose!

Toydarian: Hey, your nose is going to be three foot wide across your face by the time I'm finished with you!

Spectator I & Spectator II: Shh!

Wiseguy: Well, who hit yours then? The Rancor's big brother?

Toydarian: All right, that's your last warning!

Bearded Man's Wife: Oh, do quiet down!

 

THE TOYDARIAN SPINS AROUND TO HIT THE WISEGUY BUT HE THUMOS THE BEARDED MAN'S WIFE BY MISTAKE

 

Bearded Man's Wife: Aiih!

Toydarian: Silly bitch, getting in the way!

Bearded Man: Aaargh!

Toydarian: Racket all the way...

Mother: Oh, come on, let's go to the blasting!

Anakin: All right.

 

A FIGHT BREAKS OUT BETWEEN EVERYONE BUT ANAKIN AND HIS MOTHER. A GROUP OF PEOPLE WALK PAST IN DEEP DISCUSSION. ANAKIN WATCHES THEM GO

 

Biggs: Well, blessed is just about everyone with an interest in the status quo, if I'm right with you there, Wedge?

Wedge: Yeah, well, what the Jedi's quietly fail to appreciate is that it's the meek who're the problem.

Padme: Yes, yes, absolutely Wedge, yes, I see!

 

ANAKIN IS MESMERISED BY PADME'S BEAUTY. BEHIND THEM, SOME STORMTROOPERS HAVE BECOME INVOLVED WITH THE FIGHT AND ARE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP

 

Mother: Oh, come on, Anakin, or they'll have him blasted before we get there.

Anakin: All right.

Toydarian: Aaargh!

Bearded Man's Wife: Lay off!

Wiseguy: Hey, don't beat him, he's just lying there, big nose. Stop that, there's a rape going on, frankly speaking, it's he that started it all...

 

CUT TO:

 

ANAKIN AND MOTHER START WALKING BACK INTO TOWN. AS THEY DO, MOTHER STARTS TO PUT ON A FALSE BEARD

 

Mother: Ah, how I hate wearing these beards.

Anakin: Why aren't women allowed to go to blastings, mum?

Mother: It's written, that's why.

 

THEY GO PAST A VENDOR. A WOMAN IS WALKING PAST WITH A SICK BABY DEWBACK ACROSS HER SHOULDERS

 

Beard seller: Pssst! Beard, madam?

Woman carrying dewback: Oh, look, I haven't got the time to go to no blastings. He's not well again.

Dewback: Oink! Oink!

 

THE BEARD SELLER GETS THE ATTENTION OF ANAKIN'S MOTHER

 

Beard seller: Blaster, sir?

Mother: No, I've got one on me.

Beard seller: Oh, not like this, sir. Look at this! Feel the quality of that, that's craftsmanship, sir.

Mother: Hmm...all right, we'll have two blasters and...a grenade.

Anakin: Could I have a grenade, mum?

Mother: Shh!

Anakin: Sorry! Dad!

Mother: Ehm...all right, two blasters, ahm...two grenades and a spare blaster pack.

Beard seller: Right. Should be a good one this afternoon.

Mother: Hm?

Beard seller: Local boy.

Mother: Oh, good.

Beard seller: Enjoy yourselves!

 

CUT TO:

 

IN MOS ESPA, JUST OUTSIDE THE SLAVE QUARTERS, DOZENS OF WOMEN WITH FALSE BEARDS ON HAS GATHERED WITH BLASTERS. A MOS ESPA OFFICIAL IS OVERSEEING THE BLASTING OF AN OLD MAN WITH A WHITE BEARD AND BROWN ROBES

THE WOMEN ARE SCREAMING AND YELLING

 

Mos Espa Official: You, water seller and moisture farmer from the Jundland Wastes...

Moisture Farmer: Do I say yes?

Guard: Yes.

Moisture Farmer: Yes!

Mos Espa Official: ...you have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of evil, and so as a blasphemer...

 

THE WOMEN GASP

 

Mos Espa Official: ...you are to be blasted (and grenades, if anyone has forgotten their blasters) to death!

 

THE WOMEN CHEER

 

Moisture Farmer: Look, I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was: "That piece of Bantha Steak was good enough for a Sith Lord!".

 

THE WOMEN CRY OUT INDIGNANTLY

 

Mos Espa Official: Blasphemy! He said it again!

Women disguised as bearded men: Yeah! Yes! Yes!

Mos Espa Official: Did you hear him?!

Women disguised as bearded men: Yeah! Yes! Yes!

Woman: Really!

 

THE MOS ESPA OFFICIAL LOOKS AT THE CROWD WITH SUSPICION

 

Mos Espa Official: Are there any women here today?

Women disguised as bearded men: Uh...ooh...no...

Mos Espa Official: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...

 

SOMEONE IN THE CROWD SHOOTS THE MOISTURE FARMER

 

Women disguised as bearded men: Ooh...

Moisture Farmer: Oh, lay off! We haven't started yet!

Mos Espa Official: Come on! Who fired that? Who fired that shot? Come on!

Women disguised as bearded men: (IN HIGH VOICES) She did! She did! (IN MASCULINE VOICES) He did! He did! He did!

Woman: Sorry, I thought we'd started.

Mos Espa Official: Go to the back!

Woman: Oh, dear...

Mos Espa Official: Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?

Moisture Farmer: Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Sith Lord"!

Women disguised as bearded men: Aiiih! He did! He said it again!

Mos Espa Official: You're only making it worse for yourself!

Moisture Farmer: Making it worse? How could it be worse? Sith Lord, Sith Lord, Sith Lord!

Women disguised as bearded men: Aiiih!

Mos Espa Official: I'm warning you! If you say Sith Lord once more...

 

ANOTHER BLASTER SHOT HITS THE MOS ESPA OFFICIAL

 

Mos Espa Official: Right! Who fired that?

Moisture Farmer: Hehehe...

Mos Espa Official: Come on! Who fired that?

Women disguised as bearded men: She did! She did! She did! Him! Him! Him!

Mos Espa Official: Was it you?

Woman II: Yes.

Mos Espa Official: Right...

Woman II: Well, you did say Sith Lord!

Women disguised as bearded men: Aiiih!

 

MUTIPLE BLASTER SHOTS HIT THE WOMAN

 

Mos Espa Official: Stop! Stop! Will you stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to shoot anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand? Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say Sith Lord!

Women disguised as bearded men: Aiiih!

 

MULTIPLE SHOTS HIT MOS ESPA OFFICIAL

 

Mos Espa Official: Aaargh!

 

A HUGE TRIPOD MOUNTED BLASTER CANNON IS PRODUCED AND IT BLOWS THE MOS ESPA OFFICIAL TO PIECES

 

Woman III: Good shot!

 

EVERYONE APPLAUDS

 

 

CUT TO:

 

ANAKIN AND HIS MOTHER ARE WALKING THROUGH THE STREETS OF MOS ESPA

 

Anakin: Have I got a big nose, mum?

Mother: Oh, stop thinking about sex!

Anakin: I wasn't!

Mother: You're always on about it. Morning, noon and night: "Will the girls like this, will the girls like that? Is it too big, is it too small?"

Dark Jedi I: Money, please, sir?

Dark Jedi II: Money for a Dark Jedi!

Dark Jedi III: Money for a Dark Jedi!

Ex-Dark Jedi: Money for an ex-Dark Jedi! Bloody speeder owners, all the same, ain't they? Never have any change. Oh, here comes some suckers! Spare some money for an old ex-Dark Jedi!

Mother: Buzz off!

Ex-Dark Jedi: Spare five creds for an old ex-Dark Jedi!

Mother: Five creds? That's more than he earns in a month!

Ex-Dark Jedi: Half a cred then?

Mother: No, get away!

Ex-Dark Jedi: Come on, big nose, let's haggle!

Anakin: What?

Ex-Dark Jedi: All right, cut the haggling, let's say you open at one Republic credit, I start at 2000, we close at about 1800.

Anakin: No.

Ex-Dark Jedi: 1750?

Mother: Go away!

Ex-Dark Jedi: 1740?

Mother: Look, will you leave him alone!

Ex-Dark Jedi: All right. Two credits, just two. Isn't this fun, eh?

Mother: Look, he is not giving you any money, so piss off!

Ex-Dark Jedi: All right sir, my final offer, and half a credit for an old-ex-Dark Jedi?

Anakin: Did you say ex-Dark Jedi?

Ex-Dark Jedi: That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind a black cape and hood, sir.

Anakin: Oh...what happened?

Ex-Dark Jedi: I was turned to the light side of the Force, sir.

Anakin: turned?

Ex-Dark Jedi: Yes, a bloody miracle, sir, bless you!

Anakin: Oh, who cured you?

Ex-Dark Jedi: Yoda did, sir. I was walking along, minding my own business, carving up the locals, all of a sudden up he comes, cures me. One minute I'm a Dark Jedi with a trade, next minute my livelihoods gone. Not so much as a by your leave! "You're turned, mate". Bloody do-gooder.

Anakin: Why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a Dark Jedi again?

Ex-Dark Jedi: Aah, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. Well, what the thing was I was going to ask him if he'd make me a bit evil during the middle of the week. You know, something usable but not the Dark Side, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt, excuse my language sir, but...

 

ANAKIN'S MOTHER IS AT THEIR SLAVE QUARTER'S DOOR

 

Mother: Anakin! Come and clean your room out!

Anakin: Here you are.

Ex-Dark Jedi: Thank you, sir. Than... half quarters credit for my bloody life story?

Anakin: There's no pleasing some people.

Ex-Dark Jedi: That's just what Yoda said, sir!

 

THE MOTHER KICKS THE DOOR IN AND ENTERS. AN IMPERIAL OFFICER IS WATING WITHIN.

 

Mother: Oh.

Imperial Officer: Good afternoon.

Mother: Oh, eh...hello, officer, erm...I'll be with you in a few moments, all right with you?

Anakin: What's he doing here?

Mother: Ehm...ah, don't start that Anakin, ehm...go and clean your room out.

Anakin: Bloody Imperials!

Mother: Now, look Anakin! If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this. And don't you forget it.

Anakin: We don't owe the Imperials anything, mum.

Mother: Oh, that's not entirely true, is it, Anakin?

Anakin: What do you mean?

Mother: Oh, well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but...

Anakin: What?

Mother: Well, Anakin, your father isn't Mr. Skywalker.

Anakin: I never thought he was!

Mother: Now none of your cheek! He was an Imperial, Anakin. He was a commander in the Imperial Army.

Anakin: You mean...you were raped?!

Mother: Well...at first, yes.

Anakin: Who was it?

Mother: Huh... Noorti Nigell his name was. Hmm...promised me the known galaxy, he did. I was to be taken to Coruscant, house by the Plaza, alien slaves and Bantha milk, as much spice as I could eat. Then he, having his way with me and woosh! Like a womp rat out of a sewage pipe on Dagobah.

Anakin: The bastard!

Mother: Yes, and next time you go on about the "bloody Imperials", don't forget you're one of them.

Anakin: I'm not an Imperial mum, and I never will be. I'm a Mos Espa citizen, a slave, a human being! I'm kosher, mum! I'm a Tatooine pedestrian and proud of it!

 

ANAKIN STORMS OUT

 

Mother: Huh...sex, sex, sex, that's all they think about, eh? Hm. Well, how are you then, officer?

 

CUT TO:

 

THE MOS ESPA ARENA, TATOOINE

 

CHILDREN'S RACES

 

 

 

Fode and Bede: Ladies and gentlemen! The next race is between: Frank the Loyal, the mad screaming racer, and Bobe the Nobe, on his pushbike.

 

A HUGE ALIEN POD RACER WALKS OUT OF THE ENTRANCE AND APPROACHES HIS VEHICLE, WHICH IS COVERED WITH SPIKES AND WEAPONS

 

ANAKIN IS WALKING THE SPARESLY FILLED STANDS WITH A VENDOR'S TRAY FILLED WITH STRANGE FOODS. HE TAKES MONEY FROM A TWI'LEK DANCER

 

Anakin: Ah, right, thank you, madam. Dewback tongues! Mynock livers! Dianoga brains! Wampa earlobes! Ronto nipple chips, get them while they're hot, they're lovely! Space slug pretzel, only half a credit! Deep fried scurriers!

 

PADME, WEDGE, BIGGS AND STAN ARE ALL IN THE STANDS, TALKING SECRETLY

 

Padme: I do feel, Wedge, that any anti-imperialistic group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interest within its powerbase.

Wedge: Agreed. Biggs?

Biggs: Yes, I think Padme's point of view is very valid, Wedge, provided the movement never forgets that it is the unalienable right of every man...

Stan: Or woman.

Biggs: ...or woman to rid himself...

Stan: Or herself.

Biggs: ...or herself...

Wedge: Agreed.

Biggs: Thank you, brother.

Stan: Or sister.

Biggs: Or sister...where was I?

Wedge: I think you'd finished.

Biggs: Oh. Right.

Wedge: Further more, it is the birthright of every man...

Stan: Or woman.

Wedge: Why don't you shut up about women, Stan? You're putting us off.

Stan: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Wedge.

Biggs: Why are you always on about women, Stan?

Stan: I want to be one.

Wedge: What?

Stan: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me Leia.

Wedge: What?

Leia: It's my right as a man.

Padme: Well, why do you want to be Leia, Stan?

Leia: I want to have babies.

Wedge: You want to have babies?!

Leia: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

Wedge: But...you can't have babies!

Leia: Don't you oppress me!

Wedge: I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. Where is the foetus going to gestate? You're going to keep it in a Two-One Bee 'droid?

Leia: (UPSET) Sniff.

Padme: Here, I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Imperials, but that he can have the right to have babies.

Biggs: Good idea, Padme. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister! Sorry.

Wedge: What's the point?

Biggs: What?

Wedge: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?

Biggs: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.

Wedge: Symbolic of his struggle against reality.

 

A HUGE FANFARE WELCOMES THE OTER RACER. A SMALL ALIEN STAGGERS OUT WITH A SIMPLE PUSHBIKE. THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDES

 

Guard: Get out there! Ah, get out there!

Victim: It's dangerous out there! Aah! Aiih! Oh.

Audience: Aah... come on, race those speeders! Ooh... what a lot of rubbish.

 

ANAKIN APPROACHES THE GROUP OF SECRET TALKERS

 

Anakin: Dewback tongues! Scurrier noses! Rancor spleens!

Wedge: Got any nuts?

Anakin: Haven't got any nuts, sorry. I've got Dianoga livers, Rancor spleens...

Wedge: No, no, no...

Anakin: Scurrier noses?

Wedge: I don't want any of that Imperial rubbish!

Padme: Why don't you sell proper food?

Anakin: Proper food?

Wedge: Yeah, not those rich imperialist titbits!

Anakin: Oh, don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff!

Wedge: All right, bag of scurrier noses, then.

Biggs: Make it two.

Wedge: Two.

Biggs: Thanks, Wedge.

Anakin: Are you the Tatooine People's Front?

Wedge: Fuck off!

Anakin: What?

Wedge: Tatooine People's Front! We're The People's Front of Tatooine! Tatooine People's Front!

Biggs: Blighters...

Anakin: Can I...join your group?

Wedge: No, piss off!

Anakin: I didn't want to sell this stuff, it's only a Numb! I hate the Imperials as much as anybody!

All in PFT except Anakin: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

Anakin: Oh.

Padme: Are you sure?

Anakin: Oh, dead sure. I hate the Imperials already.

Wedge: Listen! If you wanted to join the PFT, you'd have to have really hate the Imperials.

Anakin: I do!

Wedge: Oh, yeah, how much?

Anakin: A lot!

Wedge: Right, you're in. Listen, the only people we hate more than the Imperials, are the fucking Tatooine People's Front.

All in PFT except Anakin: Yeah!

Padme: Splitters!

Biggs: And the Tatooine Popular People's Front!

All in PFT except Anakin: Yeah! Splitters!

Leia: And the People's Front of Tatooine!

All in PFT except Anakin: Yeah! Splitters!

Wedge: What?

Leia: The People's Front of Tatooine. Splitters!

Wedge: We're the People's Front of Tatooine!

Leia: Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.

Wedge: People's Front! Bloody hell...

Biggs: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Wedge?

Wedge: He's over there.

 

THEY ALL LOOK OVER TO A LONE MAN SAT ON THE LOWER STEPS

 

All in PFT except Anakin: Splitter!

 

THE SPEEDER RACERS ARE OFF, BUT AS THEY START THE BIG POD RACER'S ENGINES COUGH AND SPLUTTER

 

Speeder Racer: Oh, oh...I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest! Ooh...aah!

 

A GROUP OF IMPERIALS WATCHING FROM AN EXPENSIVE BOOTH ARE ANNOYED

 

Imperial I: Absolutely dreadful!

Imperial II: Huh.

 

THE PUSHBIKE MAN, DECLARED THE WINNER, RUNS AROUND THE RACETRACK WAVING TO THE CROWD. THE AUDIENCE CHEERS

 

Wedge: Nice one, brother! Haha! What's your name?

Anakin: Anakin. Anakin...Skywalker.

Wedge: We may have a little Numb for you, Anakin.