ALL
FORTY-TWO STORMTROOPERS MARCH INTO THE HOUSE Vader:
You know the penalty laid down by Imperial law for harbouring a known criminal? Moisture
Farmer: No. Vader:
Staking! Moisture
Farmer: Oh. Vader:
Nasty, eh? Moisture
Farmer: Hm...could be worse. Vader:
What do you mean, "Could be worse"? Moisture
Farmer: Well, you could be stabbed. Vader:
Stabbed? Takes a second! Staking lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death. Moisture
Farmer: Well, at least you get you out in the open air. Vader:
You're weird. THE
STORMTROOPERS MARCH OUT AGAIN Officer:
No, sir, couldn't find anything, sir. VADER
TURNS TO MOISTURE FARMER Vader:
Don't worry, you've not seen the last of us, weirdo. Moisture
Farmer: Big nose. Vader:
Watch it! THE
DOOR IS CLOSED. EVERYONE COMES OUT OF HIDING Moisture
Farmer: Phew! That was lucky. Anakin:
I'm sorry, Wedge. Wedge:
Oh, it's all right siblings, he's sorry. He's sorry he lead the fifth garrison straight to
our official head quarters. Well, that's all right
then, Anakin. Sit down! Have a scone! Make yourself at home! You klutz! You stupid,
bird-brained, flat-headed... ANOTHER
LOUD KNOCK FROM THE DOOR. EVERYONE HIDES. ANAKIN GOES BACK OUT ONTO THE BALCONY WHICH IS
READY TO COLLAPSE Prophet
III: ...with a great juicy melon behind... MOISTURE
FARMER GOES TO THE DOOR Moisture
Farmer: My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled, yes? Vader:
There's one place we didn't look. Stormtroopers! THE
STORMTROOPERS MARCH INTO THE HOUSE AGAIN Moisture
Farmer: I'm just a poor old man, my sight is dim, my eyes are poor, and my nose is
knackered. Vader:
Have you ever seen anyone staked? Moisture
Farmer: Staking is a doddle. Vader:
Don't keep saying that! THE
STORMTROOPERS MARCH OUT AGAIN Officer:
Found this hydrospanner, sir! Vader:
Well done, sergeant! We'll be back...oddball. THE
MOISTURE FARMER CLOSES THE DOOR AND WALKS BACK IN. EVERYONE COMES OUT OF HIDING BUT THERE
IS ANOTHER LOUD KNOCK Vader:
Open up! Moisture
Farmer: You haven't given us time to hide! THE
BALCONY GIVES WAY. ANAKIN LANDS ON A PROPHET AND KNOCKS HIM COLD Anakin:
Aargghhh! THE
CROWD APPLAUDES All
prophets except Anakin: And at that time...all sinners...red serpent...men shall
burn...fire... A
STORMTROOPER LOOKS AT ANAKIN DUBIOUSLY SO ANAKIN THINKS IT WISE TO PRETEND TO BE A PROPHET
TO MOVE AWAY SUSPICION Anakin:
Don't, ehm...pass judgement on other people, or you might get judged yourself. Man
in crowd: What? Anakin:
I said: "Don't pass judgement on other people, or else you might get judged
too". Man
in crowd: Who, me? Anakin:
Yes. Man
in crowd: Oh, oh, thank you very much. Anakin:
Well, not just you, all of you! Racing
helmet man: That's a nice racing helmet. Anakin:
What? Racing
helmet man: How much do you want for the racing helmet? Anakin:
I don't, you can have it. Racing
helmet man: Have it? Anakin:
Yes. Consider the plants of the desert... Racing
helmet man: Don't you want to haggle? Anakin:
No. ...in the Dune Sea... Racing
helmet man: What's wrong with it, then? Anakin:
Nothing, take it! Woman
in crowd: Consider the plants? Anakin:
Oh, well, the Krayt Dragons, then. Man
in crowd II: What dragons? Anakin:
Any dragons. Man
in crowd II: Why? Anakin:
Well, have they got jobs? Man
in crowd III: Who? Anakin:
The Krayt Dragons. Man
in crowd II: Have the Krayt Dragons got jobs?! Man
passing by: What's the matter with him? Man
in crowd III: He says the Krayt Dragons are scrounging! Anakin:
Oh, no, no, the point is: the dragons, they do all right, don't they? Man
passing by: Well, good luck to them! Man
in crowd II: Yeah, they're very pretty. Anakin:
Okay. And you're much more important than they are, right? So what do you worry about?
There you are! See? Man
in crowd II: I'm worrying about what you've got against Krayt Dragons. Anakin:
I haven't got anything against the dragons! Consider the plants... Man
in crowd III: He's having a go at the flowers now! Man
in crowd II: Oh, give the flowers a chance! Racing
helmet man: I'll give you one for it. Anakin:
It's yours! Racing
helmet man: Two! Anakin:
Ah... look, there was this man, and he had two servants... Man
in crowd III: What were they called? Anakin:
What? Man
in crowd III: What were their names? Anakin:
I don't know. And he gave them some talents... Man
in crowd II: You don't know? Anakin:
Well, it doesn't matter. Man
in crowd II: He doesn't know what they were called! Anakin:
Oh, well, they were called Han and Luke. Now... Man
in crowd III: Oh, you said you didn't know! Anakin:
It really doesn't matter, the point is; there were these two servants... Man
in crowd III: Oh, he's making it up as he goes along! Anakin:
No, I'm not! And he gave them some credits... wait a minute, were there tree? Three
servants... Crowd:
Oh, oh this is... Man
in crowd II: Oh, this is ridiculous! Anakin:
There were three... three servants... Man
in crowd II: He's terrible! Crowd:
Boo! Boo! Man
in crowd III: Bollocks! Woman
in crowd: Oh, get off! Anakin:
Ooh! SOME
STORMTROOPERS START TO MARCH PAST. ANAKIN WANDERS WITH HIS SPEECH AS HE WATCHES THEM GO
WITH CONCERN Anakin:
Ehm...mmbmp oh, now hear this: blessed are they... Racing
helmet man: Three! Anakin:
...who can birth their neighbour's bantha, for they shall inhibit their girth. Man
in crowd II: Rubbish! Anakin:
And to them only shall be given...to them only...shall...be...given... Woman
in crowd: (SUDDENLY INTERESTED) What? Anakin:
Hm? Woman
in crowd: Shall be given what? Anakin:
Oh, nothing. Woman
in crowd: Hey, what were you going to say? Anakin:
Nothing! All
crowd: Yes, you were! Woman
in crowd: Yes, you were going to say something! Anakin:
No, I wasn't, I'd finished! All
the crowd: Oh, no, no. Man
in crowd III: Ah, come on, tell us before you go! Anakin:
I wasn't going to say anything, I'd finished! Woman
in crowd: Oh, no! Blind
man: What won't he tell? Man
in crowd III: He won't say. Blind
man: Is it a secret? Man
in crowd II: I don't know. Blind
man: Is it? Man
in crowd II: It must be, otherwise he'd tell us. Man
in crowd III: Oh, tell us! A
HUGE CROWD STARTS TO GATHER Anakin:
Leave me alone! Man
in crowd IV: What is the secret? Woman
in crowd II: Is it the secret of the Force? Man
in crowd II: He won't say! Man
in crowd III: Well, of course not, if I knew the secret of the Force I wouldn't say,
either? Anakin:
Leave me alone! Woman
in crowd II: Just tell me, please! Man
in crowd III: No, tell us, Jedi Master, we were here first. Man
in crowd IV: Rubbish! All
crowd: Tell us, Master! Racing
helmet man: Five! Anakin:
Go away! Racing
helmet man: I can't go above five. Woman
in crowd II: Is that his racing helmet? Racing
helmet man: Yes. Woman
in crowd II: Oh! This is his racing helmet! Racing
helmet man: Ten! Woman
in crowd II: It is his racing helmet! We will carry it for you, Master! ...Master? ANAKIN
HAS RAN OFF DOWN THE STREET Man
in crowd IV: He's gone! He's become one with the Force! All
the crowd, pointing at the sky: Ooh! He's become one with the Force! Racing
helmet man, shouting at the sky: Eighteen! Man
in crowd III: (POINTING TO ANAKIN'S RECEDING FIGURE) No, there he is. Crowd:
Ooh! Man
in crowd V: Look! Crowd:
Oh, ooh! Man
in crowd III: He has given us a sign! Man
in crowd V: He has given us...his shoe! Man
in crowd III: The shoe is the sign! Let us follow his example! Man
in crowd IV: What? Man
in crowd III: Let us like him, hold up one shoe and let the other one be upon our foot,
for this is his sign that all who follow him shall do likewise! Man
in crowd III: No, no, no, the shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in
abundance! Woman
in crowd II: Cast off the shoes! Follow the racing helmet! Man
in crowd V: No, let us gather shoes together! Let me! Woman
in crowd: Oh, get off! Man
in crowd IV: No, no, it is a sign that like him we must think not of the things of the
body, but of the face and head! Man
in crowd V: Give me your shoe! Man
in crowd IV: Get off! Woman
in crowd II: Follow the racing helmet, the holy racing helmet of Tatooine! Racing
helmet part of crowd: The racing helmet! The racing helmet! Man
in crowd VI: Hold up the sandal, like he has demanded us... Man
in crowd III: It is a shoe! It is a shoe! Man
in crowd VI: It's a sandal! Man
in crowd III: No, it is not! It is a shoe! Woman
in crowd II: Cast it away! Man
in crowd III: Put it on! Man
in crowd IV: Now clear off! Man
in crowd V: Take the shoes and follow him! Woman
in crowd II: All those who follow the racing helmet! CUT
TO: ANAKIN
IS CHASED BY THE CROWD UP A HILL. HE GETS TO THE TOP WHERE HE SEES THERE IS NO WAY TO
ESCAPE. IN A SMALL PIT IS SALACIOUS CRUMB, HIDING AS BEST HE CAN Crowd:
Master! Master! Anakin:
Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river? Salacious
Crumb: (REFUSING TO TALK) Mmhmmhmmmh. Anakin:
Please, please, help me! I've got to get... Crowd:
Aiih! Quick! ANAKIN
JUMPS INTO THE PIT TO HIDE AND LANDS ON SALCIOUS CRUMB'S FOOT Salacious
Crumb: Oh, my foot! Oh... Anakin:
Shh! Salacious
Crumb: Oh, damn, damn, damn! Anakin:
I'm sorry! Shh! Salacious
Crumb: Oh, damn, damn, and blast it! Anakin:
I'm sorry! Shh! Salacious
Crumb: Don't you hush me! Eighteen years of total silence, and you hush me! Anakin:
What? Salacious
Crumb: I've kept my vow for eighteen years; not a single recognisable articulate sound has
passed my lips. Anakin:
Well, I'm sorry, but could you be quiet for just another five minutes? Salacious
Crumb: Oh, it doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself! The times in the last
eighteen years I wanted to... Anakin:
Shh! Salacious
Crumb: ...shout and sing, and... Anakin:
Shh! Salacious
Crumb: ...scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive! Anakin:
Shh! Salacious
Crumb: Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello everyone! Hello sand! I'm alive! I'm ali... ANAKIN
PUTS HIS HAND OVER SALACIOUS CRUMB'S MOUTH TO QUIET HIM Salacious
Crumb: Get off! I'm alive! THE
CROWD SEES SALACIOUS CRUMB'S DANCING AND RUN OVER TO THE PIT Crowd:
Master! Master! Master! Man
in crowd V: The Jedi Master! He is here! Crowd:
Master! The shoe! Woman
in crowd II: It was the racing helmet, it was the racing helmet! Oh, Master...oh,
Master... Man
in crowd III: The shoe has brought us here! Speak...speak to us, Master! Speak to us! Anakin:
Go away! Crowd:
A blessing! A blessing! Man
in crowd III: How shall we go away, Jedi Master? Anakin:
Oh, just go away and leave me alone. Man
in crowd V: Give us a sign! Man
in crowd III: He has given us a sign, he has brought us to this place! Anakin:
I didn't bring you here! You just followed me! Man
in crowd V: Oh, it's still a good sign, by any standard. Man
in crowd III: Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you, they are weary
and have not eaten. Anakin:
It's not my fault they haven't eaten! Man
in crowd III: There is no food in this high mountain! Anakin:
Oh, what about the berry bushes over there? Crowd:
Oh! A miracle! A miracle! Man
in crowd V: He has made the bush fruitful by his word! Man
in crowd IV: They brought forth berries! Anakin:
Of course they brought forth berries; they're berry
bushes, what do you expect!? Woman
in crowd: Show us another miracle! Man
in crowd III: Do not tempt him, shallow ones, is not the miracle of the berry bushes
enough? Salacious
Crumb: I say, those are my bushes! Man
in crowd III: They are a gift from the Jedi Master! Salacious
Crumb: They're all I've bloody got to eat. I say! Get off of those bushes! Come on! Clear
off, the lot of you! Hey! I hadn't said a word for eighteen years till he came along! Crowd:
A miracle! He is the Chosen One! Salacious
Crumb: And he hurt my foot! Crowd:
Hurt my foot! Hurt mine! Hurt mine! Man
in crowd III: Hail the Chosen One! Anakin:
I'm not the Chosen One! Man
in crowd III: I say you are, Master, and I should know; I've followed a few! Crowd:
Hail the Chosen One! Anakin:
I'm not the Chosen, would you please listen, I am not the Chosen One, do you understand?
Honestly! Woman
in crowd II: Only the true Chosen One denies his divinity. Anakin:
What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Chosen One! Crowd:
He is! He is the Chosen One! Anakin:
Now, fuck off! THE
CROWD IS STUNNED INTO SILENCE Man
in crowd III: How shall we fuck off, oh master? Anakin:
Oh, just go away! Leave me alone! Salacious
Crumb: You told these people to eat my berries! You break my bloody foot, you break my vow
of silence, and then you try and clean up on my bushes! Anakin:
Lay off! Man
in crowd III: This is the Chosen One, the chosen one! Salacious
Crumb: No, he's not. Man
in crowd III: An unbeliever! Crowd:
An unbeliever! Man
in crowd III: Persecute, kill the heretic! Crowd:
Yeah! Kill! Kill! Kill! Man
in crowd III: Kill! Kill! THE
CROWD CARRIES SALACIOUS OFF. Anakin:
No, leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Put him down! Please! AS
THE CROWD DISPERSES, ANAKIN LOOKS UP TO SEE PADME STARING AT HIM Padme:
Anakin? Anakin:
Padme? CUT
TO: MORNING
IN ANAKIN'S HOUSE. NEXT TO HIM NAKED IN BED IS PADME. HE STRETCHES AND SMILES AT THE NIGHT
OF PASSION. HE APPROACHES THE WINDOW AND THROWS IT OPEN. HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE ARE THERE AND
THEY START CHEERING AS THEY STARE AT HIS NAKED BODY Crowd:
Look! There he is! The chosen one has woken! ANAKIN
SLAMS THE WINDOW SHUT. HE TURNS TO SEE HIS MOTHER Anakin:
Hello, mother! Mother:
Don't you "Hello, mother" me! What are all those people doing out there? Anakin:
Oh, oh, well, I... Mother:
Come on! What have you been up to, my lad? Anakin:
Ehm, I think they must have popped by, or something. Mother:
Popped by?! Sworn by, more like. There's a multitude out there! Anakin:
Mmm...they...they started following me yesterday. Mother:
Well, they can stop following you right now! ANAKIN'S
MOTHER THROWS OPEN THE WINDOW TO TALK TO THE CROWD Mother:
Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Crowd:
The Chosen One! The Chosen One! Show us the Chosen One! Mother:
The who? Crowd:
The Chosen One! Mother:
There's no Chosen One in here. There's a mess all right, but no Chosen One. Now, go away! Crowd:
Anakin! Anakin! Mother:
Right, my lad! What have you been up to? Anakin:
Nothing, mom. Mother:
Come on! Out with it! Anakin:
Oh, they...they think I'm the Chosen One, mum. ANAKIN
IS SLAPPED BY HIS MOTHER Anakin:
Aiih! Mother:
What have you been telling them? Anakin:
Nothing, I only... Mother:
You're only making it worse for yourself. Anakin:
Look, I can explain... SHE
SLAPS HIM AGAIN Anakin:
Aih! PADME
ENTERS, TOTALLY NAKED, AND ANAKIN'S MOTHER STARES AT HER IN SHOCK Padme:
Let me explain, Mrs. Skywalker! Your son is a born leader! Those people out there are
following him because they believe in him, Mrs Skywalker! They believe he can give them
hope, hope of a new life, a new galaxy, a better future! Mother:
Who's that!? Anakin:
Oih! That's...Padme, Mom. Padme...mother. ANAKIN'S
MOTHER SLAPS HIM AGAIN Anakin:
Aih! ANAKIN'S
MOTHER GOES BACK TO THE WINDOW Crowd:
Anakin! Anakin! Show us the Chosen One! Mother:
Now you listen here! He's not the Chosen One! He's a very naughty boy! Now go away! Crowd:
Who are you? Mother:
I'm his mother, that's who! Crowd:
Behold his mother! Behold his mother! Praise unto thee, Mother of Anakin! Blessed art
thou! All things to thee, now and always! Mother:
Ah, now don't think you can get around me like that! He's not coming out, and that's my
final word! Now, shove off! Crowd:
No! Mother:
Did you hear what I said? Crowd:
Yes! Mother:
Oh, I see. Like that, is it? Crowd:
Yes! Mother:
Oh, oh, all right then, you can see him for one minute, but not one second more! Do you
understand? Crowd:
Yes... Mother:
Promise? Crowd:
Well...all right. Mother:
All right, here he is then. Come on, Anakin, come and talk to them. Anakin:
But Mom...Padme... Mother:
Ah, leave that Mid-Rim tart alone! Anakin:
I don't really want to, mum... THE
CROWD GOES WILD AS ANAKIN APPEARS, CLOTHED, AT THE WINDOW Anakin:
Good morning! Crowd:
A blessing! A blessing! A blessing! Anakin:
Oh, please, please, please, listen! I've got one or two things to say. Crowd:
Tell us! Tell us both of them! Anakin:
Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me! You don't need to follow
anybody! You've got to think for yourselves!
You're all individuals! Crowd:
Yes, we're all individuals! Anakin:
You're all different! Crowd:
Yes, we are all different! Homogenous
Man: I'm not. LOTS
OF PEOPLE TELL THE SPEAKER TO 'SHUSH' Anakin:
You all got to work it out for yourselves! Crowd:
Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves! Anakin:
Exactly! Crowd:
Tell us more! Anakin:
No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise...aooh! No! ANAKIN'S
MOTHER PULLS HIM BACK AND STANDS AT THE WINDOW Mother:
That's enough! That's enough! Crowd:
Ooooh...that wasn't a minute! Mother:
Oh, yes, it was! Crowd:
Oh, no, it wasn't! Mother:
Now stop that, and go away! Indiscrete
man: Excuse me? Mother:
Yes? Indiscrete
man: Are you a virgin? Mother:
I beg your pardon? Indiscrete
man: Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin? Was the birth of Anakin a
divergence of the Force? Mother:
"If it's not a personal question"?! How much more personal can you get? Now,
piss off! Crowd:
Yes...yeah... Virgin. Definitely. Definitely. CUT
TO: THE
LIVING ROOM OF ANAKIN'S HOUSE. IT IS FILLED WITH PEOPLE WANTING TO SEE HIM Wedge:
Morning, Chosen One! Woman:
Lay your hands on me! Quick! Biggs:
Now don't jostle The Chosen One! Please! Wedge:
Don't push that baby in his face! He'll touch it later! Bearded
Man: I say, I say, could he just see my wife? She has a headache. Wedge:
You'll have to wait, I'm afraid! Bearded
Man: She's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment! Wedge:
Look, the Dark Jedis are here! Bearded
Man: Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Naboo. Wedge:
Ehm...Anakin, can I introduce you to the gentlemen who's letting us have the arena next
week. Bearded
Man: Hello. Wedge:
Don't push! ANAKIN
WALKS OUT Wedge:
Now keep the noises down, please! Those possessed by the Dark Side, try and keep them
under control a bit! Couldn't you? Incurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes.
Uhm, women taken ill line up against that wall, will you? OUTSIDE,
PADME APROACHES A LONELY, DEJECTED ANAKIN Padme:
Anakin, Anakin! You were fantastic! Anakin:
You weren't so bad yourself. Padme:
No, what you said just now! Quite extraordinary! Anakin:
What? Oh, that. Was it? Padme:
We don't need any leaders! You're so right! Wedge has been dominating us for too long. Anakin:
Well, yes... Padme:
It needed saying, and you said it, Anakin! Anakin:
You're very attractive... Padme:
It's our rebellion! We can all do it together! Anakin:
Can we? I think... Padme:
We're all behind you, Anakin! The rebellion is in your hands! Anakin:
What? No, that's not what I meant at all! SUDDENLY,
VADER APPEARS AND GRABS HOLD OF ANAKIN Vader:
You're fucking nicked, me old beauty! Right! PADME
SLAPS VADER AROUND THE HELMET AS HE DRAGS ANAKIN OFF Vader:
Stop it! CUT
TO: PALPATINES
AUDIENCE CHAMBER Emperor
Palpatine: Well, Anakin, you've given us a good wun for our money. Anakin:
A what? VADER
KICKS ANAKIN Anakin:
Oah! Emperor
Palpatine: And this time, I guawantee you will not escape. Guard! Do we have any stakings
today? Guard:
139, sir. Special celebration. Emperor
Palpatine: Wight! Now we have 140! Nice wound number, eh, Bigg? PALPATINE
TURNS TO A WELL-DRESSED MAN ON A COUCH Bigg
Deek: Yeth. Vader:
Hail Palpatine! Emperor
Palpatine: Hail! Vader:
The crowds outside are getting a bit restless, sir! Permission to disperse them, please! Emperor
Palpatine: Disperse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet! Vader:
Ah, no, I know, sir, but... Emperor
Palpatine: My addwessing is one of the high-points! My fwiend Bigg Deek has come all the
way fwom Cowuscant just to heaw it! Vader:
Hail the Dark Side of the Force! Bigg
Deek: Hail the Dark Thide of the Forth! Vader:
You're not... (LOOKS AT BIGG DEEK WITH SURPRISE, THEN TURNS BACK TO PALPATINE) uh, you're
not, ehm... thinking of giving it a miss this year, then, sir? Emperor
Palpatine: Give it a miss!? Vader:
Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir. Emperor
Palpatine: Weally, Vader! I'm surpwised. A man like you, wuffled by a wabble of wowdy
webels. Vader:
A bit thundery, sir. Emperor
Palpatine: Take him away! Anakin:
Ah, no! I'm an Imperial! I can prove it, honestly! STORMTROOPRS
DRAG ANAKIN AWAY. PALPATINE HEADS TO THE BALCONY TO ADDRESS THE PEOPLE OF TATOOINE Emperor
Palpatine: And stake him well! Bigg! Vader:
I-I, I really wouldn't, sir! Emperor
Palpatine: Out of the way, Vader! Bigg
Deek: Let me come with you, Palpatine. I may be of thome athithstance if there ith a
thudden crithith! VADER
LOOKS PAINED CUT
TO: PFT
HEADQUARTERS, WHERE YET ANOTHER MEETING IS UNDER WAY Wedge:
Right! Now, item four: Attainment of galactic supremacy within the next five years. Ah,
Biggs, you've been doing some work on this? Biggs:
Yeah, thank you, Wedge. Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is optimistic,
unless we can smash the Empire within the next twelve months! Wedge:
Twelve months? Biggs:
Yeah, twelve months. And let's face it, as Empires go, this is the big one. So we gotta
get up of our arses and stop just talking about it! All
in PFT: Yeah! Yeah! Hear! Leia:
I agree! It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now! All
in PFT: Yeah! Yeah! Wedge:
You're right. We could sit around here all day, talking, passing resolutions, making
clever speeches, it's not to stop one Imperial Stormtrooper! Biggs:
So let's just stop gabbing on about it! It's completely pointless, and it's getting us
nowhere! All:
Right! Leia: I agree!
This is a complete waste of time! |